12 STEPS - Step 5

STEP 5

We admitted to God, ourselves, and others the exact nature of our wrongs.

BEFORE STEP 5

For most of my childhood and into my early twenties, I lived under the pretense that I needed to have everything together. There were no such things at mistakes. If managed carefully, there would be no need for apologies. And because I believed I had everything together, I had nothing to be ashamed of. I tried my hardest, got good grades, was, for the most part, polite. If you would have asked anyone, I was the good girl. I grew up a Christian, but had a hard time confessing my sins. I didn’t lie, nor did I dare steal anything. I upheld the 10 commandments as best as I could. As an adult, I was still scared to break the rules. I would mold and mend my actions and attitudes to fit those around me. I tried my best to be perfect, for everyone and everything, but when I continued to fall short, I couldn’t bear the pain that failure brought, so, I hid. Similarly, to Adam and Eve, once faced with my sin, the shame was too much to bear on my own, so I hid. My pattern was to shut out those around me, searching for ways to make restitution with myself and others and try to restore the balance that was lost because I messed up.

What does this have to do with Step 5?

WHERE ARE YOU?

In Genesis 3, when God approached Adam and Eve in the Garden, with the question, “Where are you?”, he was extending the invitation for deeper relationship and deeper grace. In hiding, Adam and Eve hurt the heart of God, themselves, and each other. The lies they believed in the garden prohibited a greater intimacy. Just like those Paul writes about in Romans 1, I too, exchanged the truth for a lie. In believing the lie that I could fix myself, I blocked myself off from the same things: intimacy that could pick up my slack, love that could cover my multitude of sins, and grace that acknowledged my imperfections, but no longer held them against me.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1-4)

THE GOOD KIND OF SHAME

 For most of my life, I’d confused healthy shame with condemnation. Brokenness is supposed to hurt. It means something is out of place. Sin is messy, and I learned that trying to clean up my own mess and mend my own brokenness was only making things worse. Like one of those robot vacuums smearing number two all over the house. Yes, it’s vacuuming, but it’s not cleaning anything. I had to relearn what grace is. This is the sweetness of Grace. That I have been set free from the law of sin and death because Jesus, the only one was perfect, and was gifted new life instead. Now, I can stand tall and walk honestly, in the freedom he purchased with his blood. 

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)

THE HARD PART

The act of confession was foreign to me. I thought that if God was omniscient, then he already knew all the things I did wrong, I didn’t need to tell him. I was in denial to myself, thinking that if I could keep all the pieces together that everything was fine, that I would eventually be good enough. Lastly, the idea to risk and let someone know my secret of imperfection was never an option because then others could find out, they could see the real me. Denial was easier, but more painful.  Honesty is hard and saying things out loud make them real.

THE FREEING PART

In being honest with God, others, and myself I’ve learned that confession is not so hard when I have learned how to trust. If I believe in the truth of the Gospel, the sins I confess no longer define me. Although I cannot guarantee how others see me, I know that God has made me new. In confession, I lean into that truth. James encourages believers to confess not only to God, but to one another. This horizontal honestly lightens the load. I no longer have to bear the weight of my shortcomings alone but have my brothers and sisters in Christ fighting and praying alongside me in the spiritual battle we call life. By inviting others in, I actively engage in surrender by becoming more aware of my need and limitations. I am no longer in the dark but am choosing to step into the light (1 John 1:5-7).  In honest confession, I experience a deeper and fuller grace. In admitting the nature of my wrongs, I do not admit defeat, but step into the victory of Jesus Christ. God wants to meet us in our imperfections because he is the only one that can mend what is broken. He loves to make us whole.