My name is Amanda, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and a recovering codependent.
This year, Recovery walked us through lessons for each of the 12 steps and as I was preparing to share my story, I felt led to share it through my own personal experience with the steps. I want to give you a picture of what a life surrendered to Christ and committed to the process of recovery looks like. So, my story begins with Step 1.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
For me, Step 1 was about awareness. I became aware at 25 years old. Aware that no matter how hard I tried or how much I gave or how much I controlled… my life had become unmanageable. This was extremely hard for me to admit, and God had to bring me to a place of complete brokenness before I would become able to even be aware of my issues and to also admit that I was powerless over them.
I came to know Christ as my Savior at a young age. As I grew up, I desired to know God’s word and Him more personally. I spent time in His word and in prayer almost daily as a child. But at the same time, my sinful nature, which is bent toward codependency, was also being cultivated. I lived a life torn in wanting to know God more but also wanting to please my parents and other authorities in my life. If I did ANYTHING remotely disappointing to someone else, I would be left devastated and guilt ridden. This is turn made me feel sinful and unworthy of God’s love. My name Amanda means “worthy of love.” But my twisted, codependent mind thought it meant that I had to become worthy of love. And no matter how hard I tried, how proud my parents were of me, and how much my friends like me, I never felt as though I lived up to being worthy.
This is exactly why we have the saying in recovery “never walk alone in your own mind, it’s a dangerous neighborhood.” On the outside, I looked like this perfect, responsible, intelligent Christian girl. On the inside, I struggled with anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, and self-worth. Because of the image of righteousness, I never had anyone in the Christian world I grew up in come along side me to disciple, encourage, and guide me. I was left completely on my own and many times I heard myself referred to as having a good head on my shoulders and how I was the responsible one. I was on my own to make wise decisions, and I knew that I lacked real wisdom.
I share all of this to give you the backdrop of who I was when I met my first husband. My strong desire to be loved or rather worthy of being loved fell into play, and I quickly became dependent upon him to fulfill that desire and build up my self-worth. I became emotionally attached too young, and though I look back and see the immaturity and lack of experience and wisdom, I was trusted in my decision making and no one stepped in to guide me. I married before my 21st birthday and stepped into the hardest 4 years of my life.
After we were married, his addictions and manipulative behaviors became a lot more evident. But I had an image to uphold and had now become self-righteous, therefore I couldn’t share with anyone the troubles that our marriage faced on a daily basis. I began lying to family and friends and didn’t want anyone to know the truth. Protecting our image and dealing with life on my own, only led me to enabling his behaviors and keeping him from facing any consequences. Daily I would pray and beg God for change. I had resolved that this would be the rest of my life as divorce would be the worst thing that could happen to me… Me, this good Christian girl. Depression began to take ahold of me and my world moved in a dark direction of medicating my anxiety and masking my fear. Then I hit bottom, and this is where we began my story. I was 25 years old. Sitting on a kitchen chair. Alone. Staring down a bottle of pills which sat on a shelf across the room from me. The pain of my husband’s affair ripped me to the core. No matter how perfect I tried to be for him and everyone else, no matter how much I tried to keep him happy, no matter how well our apartment looked, no matter how much money I made… I was not enough and the delicate façade of our marriage that I had been so carefully creating for years was crumbling before my eyes.
I had come to a crossroads. That bottle of meds for my depression was calling out to me. It was telling me that the tremendous pain could be gone in a matter of minutes. Temptation staring me in the face. But I didn’t move. My husband came home, and I still sat. Only uttering the words to him that I now knew the truth. I do not recall his words. I do not really recall our encounter. As that small bottle was the loudest thing in the room and I struggled to take my eyes off of it. He suddenly became suspicious and thought perhaps someone was in the next room just beyond where that shelf hung. His movement to investigate woke me to the spiritual forces of wickedness that was taking place within my own home. I instantly knew that the answer wasn’t in that pill bottle, but the battle is won with Christ. I walked into my bedroom and closed the door never to consider that pill bottle again. My husband left the next morning.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Upon closing my bedroom door, I entered into my own 3 days within the belly of the whale. 3 days alone. 3 days from when he left and when my family and best friend arrived. 3 days not fully alone though, as I met God in those 3 days. Heavy with tears and prayers and in full awareness of my powerlessness, God met me. All of the Bible knowledge I had store up in my heart and mind over the years became fully alive. I knew that there was a power greater than me, greater than my circumstances, greater than my life and that power was Jesus Christ. He revealed Himself to me and in my brokenness and humility, He showed me just how much He loves me. I did not have to become worthy, I was already worthy because of His love.
“For this is love, not that we love God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10
In those 3 days, I came to believe that God alone could restore me to sanity. And there was so much freedom already in finally admitting my powerlessness and believing that God held the power for restoration.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
During this time of prayer, unintentional fasting too as I don’t recall leaving my room, and simply listening to the Lord, I surrendered every area of my life over to the care of God. My salvation had been secure since I was a child, but I had always been trying to do life in my own power and control. I had always wondered why I rarely saw God move, or act, or speak. But the truth was that I by living within my own control of things, I was keeping Him at a distance. I would ask Him to move and then turn and try to do it myself. The Lord had been very patient with me, and I am sure He had some sadness in knowing what I would have to endure before I would awaken to the fact that a life of surrender was actually a life of joyful freedom. I had been enslaved for years to my codependent thinking and allowed others’ behaviors to control mine. Finally, Jesus Christ my Savior had become Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior!
And as I submitted myself to Him, He began speaking to me. Not an audible voice, but an inner whisper and awareness. I began to write it down. He told me exactly what I needed to do. He then told me what my husband would need to do. But we had to do these things independently of each other. That God wanted me to learn, grow, and mature in Him and to leave my husband into His care. And if we were both to do these things, then there was a plan on what we would do together to reconcile the marriage. Day 3 had come, and I came out of my whale to a living room full of family and friends and I shocked them by sharing what God had done and how I was to move forward.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I immediately started my to-do list that the Lord had given me. He knows me well and knows that I function better with a list. I humbly asked my best friend for help, and she took me to a trusted pastor and counselor friend of hers. I met with my husband, shared my experience, and asked if he would be willing to do his part. He agreed to this but his actions in the days and months to follow proved that he had no intent of following through. But I continued to walk faithfully in my new way of life. With this came a huge decision of where I was going to live. I recognized that I needed the support of family and moved from where I had been living in Northern Illinois to SWFL.
With the moved, I initially thought, “Here is my fresh start. No one knows me. I will NOT be telling anyone, especially people in the church, about my divorce.” I had seen divorced couples disappear and heard the whispers about them within the church as a child, and once again my codependent mind was afraid that my truth would cause me to be an outcast. Within a few weeks of my move, I found myself at a welcome event for newcomers at a church and when a pastor asked me the common courteous question of “Hi. How are you?” at a table of appetizers, I immediately broke down in tears and spilled out my story. So much for keeping it a secret. The Lord knew how important it was for me to be known and be exactly who I was in that moment. He also knew that I was at a church that had a recovery ministry and within a few months of meeting new people and building up community, I was brought into the rooms of recovery fully accepted for who I was. “Hi, I’m Amanda. This is my first meeting. I am going through a divorce and just want to feel joy again.”
When I heard the 12 Steps read for the first time, I was overwhelmed by the first 3. God did that for me. God walked me through each step individually to bring me to surrender. I did that in the matter of those 3 “belly of the whale” days. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be and jumped right into it. I signed up for a class. I got myself a sponsor. I began serving each week. I submitted myself completely to the program. And within a few months, I began my 4th step.
Step 4 was extremely humbling as I realized that I had to own my part of the marriage. For months, everyone pointed their fingers at him and encouraged me to play the victim card. But the pastor of that recovery ministry, who is a dear friend to this day, looked me straight in the eyes and said that I owned 50% of the marriage and the divorce. Boy, did that make me mad! I did not want to look at “my side of the street,” and it was easy to look at his side since it was so glaring. But I wasn’t going to find joy and peace by doing that. I wasn’t going to find healing from the hurt and pain but focusing on him and his stuff. I needed to own my behaviors, my habits, my codependency. And so, in my surrendered life to Christ and my submission to the recovery program, I made a searching and fearless moral inventory.
“Search me on Lord and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Once I completed my 4th step, I didn’t delay and setup a time to meet with my sponsor. Since childhood, I had kept my sin close to me and thought the only one I ever needed to confess this to was God, since it was ultimately against Him. I justified my secrets and was terrified to truly be known. In my fear, the sins of my past had a power over me. They controlled me as I tried to control others perception of me. It was time for this habit of behavior to end, and I sat down and shared everything with another woman. When all was said and done, I remember her smile, the wisdom in her eyes from having done this as well, and the sweetness in her voice as she simply said, “Now doesn’t that make you feel better.”
And I did feel better. I actually felt great! I was known, my secrets were out, and my world did not come crashing down around me. That had already happened a year earlier and here I was being vulnerable and feeling great! Romans 5:20 says, “but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.”And I felt that grace from the Lord.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” James 5:16
For the first time in my life, I understood that verse. I understood the importance of sharing with someone else and to hear myself say it out loud. Healing had begun.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 6 seems like an easy step, but in truth it can become comfortable and easy to sit in one’s character defects. For years, I had practiced a Mary Poppins persona of being “practically perfect in every way.” Even though I had shared my inventory with another, it wasn’t as easy to let down my image and guard with my family. My parents and brothers knew the truth of my marriage and word had spread among my extended family, but I now recognized that I had problems. I had character defects. I had been living in sin just as much as he had. Was I entirely ready to remove my defects of character? The very things I had put into place to “protect” myself and to control my world? This definitely took some conversations with my sponsor and a little digging into what was holding me back. By going over my inventory and now seeing the patterns of behavior and character defects, I had to also become willing to let them go and trust that as I put off the old, God would put on the new.
Ephesians 4:22-24 “Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be RENEWED in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in TRUE righteousness and holiness.”
This is exactly what the recovery program is all about… putting off the old, having a spiritual renewal of our minds, and putting on the new in Christ. So, in faith, I became willing and moved into Step 7.
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Equipped with the knowledge and awareness of my character defects and living a surrendered life with Christ, I simply asked Him through prayer to remove my shortcomings. I had already learned that I was “not the solution to my own problems,” therefore I knew that I also could not make the changes that I desired. With this prayer, my sponsor encouraged me to keep doing the next right thing, and I will begin to notice progressive victory over time as the Lord continues to take off the old and put on the new.
I first noticed this victory when a sponsee of mine pulled me aside after a meeting wanting to talk with me about her anxiety. I was shocked to realize that I couldn’t remember the last time my stomach ached with anxiousness or my prayers were riddled with fear. I didn’t know when it had lessened. Now I wasn’t completely rid of anxiety, but it was no longer a daily occurrence. And through this revelation, the Lord taught me that the reason it wasn’t there is because I was finally learning to trust Him. My mind was being renewed that I was actually walking through life trusting that the Lord is good and His outcome would be for His glory.
Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” That is a promise from the Lord.
That verse I had memorized so long ago in childhood finally had meaning. I was actually applying that to my life and with it the Lord was removing my shortcomings.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Oooo, now this one scared me. As mentioned, my sinful nature is bent toward codependency and with that I avoid confrontation like the plague. I definitely was not looking forward to this step and for awhile was not quite ready and willing. But during this time, I had started dating a handsome man, who also had his own recovery story and experiences, and I liked where things were going with him. But I knew that I couldn’t move forward with him until I had walked through this process, and I needed to make amends with ex-husband. With that motivation, and the fact that I was submitting to this process that God had placed me in, I became willing and started making my list.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Some of my amends were fairly easy and were received with grace and understanding, which I was thankful for. I also had some challenging ones where I recognized that my share of my behavior was actually beginning to hurt them emotionally and I had to cut it short realizing that I didn’t want to cause them any harm. But the hardest one was with my ex-husband.
I do not know what his life was really like in the days of our separation and divorce. He started avoiding his own family and disappeared from our old circle of friends. Through the process of recovery, I realized that I had two choices in how I dealt with my hurt, anger, and pain… I could either sit in those feelings which would have built up resentment and hatred, or I could forgive which would bring healing and compassion for him. God was still working in my Step 7 and had been removing my shortcoming of resentment and renewing my mind to give me His perspective of my ex-husband. Because of my 4thstep, I now recognized all of the wrong I had caused in our marriage, and I am thankful for those hard words from my pastor telling me to owned 50%, as I now prepared to make amends for my actions and behaviors. Because my ex had also stepped away from his own family, I reached out to his dad trying to find out how I could get ahold of him. He honestly didn’t know as he too had lost communication. So I asked him if I could send him a letter, and for him to simply let me know when it had been delivered to my ex. I spent the next week praying, writing, and reviewing with my sponsor and then dropped it in the mail trusting the Lord with it. Months later, I received an email saying that he had shown up the night before at his dad’s house. He was given the letter and read it in front of his dad in silence. That was the only response I received from that amends and with it I have peace. Peace because I obeyed God and cleaned up my side of the street. Peace because I forgave him and the hurt that he caused me, even though he never asked for it. Peace because my perspective had been changed and I could see how much God loves him.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I love this step! Why you may ask? Because it keeps me from ever having to do a thorough inventory again! These last 3 steps are where I currently live. Step 10 keeps my current marriage healthy. That handsome man I mentioned before, I ended up marrying. We’ve just celebrated 17 years this summer. We have two sons who are now 13 and 11. And because I am human and my sinful nature is still bent toward codependency (as I mentioned before progressive victory over character defects can take time), there are many evenings when I take a personal inventory from my day and make amends right away.
This isn’t always done perfectly, but my kids can attest that Mommy has to pull them aside and ask for forgiveness regularly. I hope this teaches them that it is okay to not be perfect, that we all fail, to live humbly, and forgiveness can be freely given because we have One, in Christ, who forgives us.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Part of this I have been practicing since I was a child but doing it as a Step 11 is different in that when I approach the throne of God, I now come surrendered, desiring His power over my life instead of my own, and with longing to be near to Him. I know that my anxiety will rise when I don’t trust in the Lord’s sovereignty over this world. When I look at the news, or wonder about the epidemic, or consider the ways of the world, unhealthy fear can creep into my mind and spirit crippling me from living in God’s freedom and peace. But when I draw near to the Lord, peace is upon me, purpose in life is clear, and I am given the confidence and power to carry it out. I now have a true understanding that I am worthy of love. That I no longer have to strive to become worthy, but just am worthy because of Christ’s love for me. The more time I spend with the Lord, the more I love Him and desire to live for Him alone. The codependent thinking of people pleasing and maintaining a certain image fades away and I can walk in confidence with the Lord and in who He created me to be.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual experience as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I already mentioned that I once thought that the worst thing that could happen to a Christian girl like me was to get a divorce… Today I see that the Lord turned it into one of the best things that happened to me. A similar saying is found in the Big Book of AA in the Acceptance reading and I recommend you look it up.
Though divorce breaks the Lord heart, His grace abounds in my sincere and contrite heart. Since the day when I hit bottom, I have borne witness to the awesome things that God is ready and willing to do within a surrendered life. I could stand up here and share many stories of how I have seen God move.
· I could tell how God worked in my current husband’s story and my own to allow us to meet at a perfectly timed crossroads to bring our paths together.
· I could tell how God provided financially during the Great Recession of 2008 and the bankruptcy of my husband’s employer in 2017
· I could share the story of how God save my life and my son’s life on July 10, 2009.
· I could share how he miraculously allowed a doctor to tell my husband, while I was in surgery in May of 2014, that the nodule was 100% benign after we were told it was malignant.
· Even now, in preparation to share my story, God has allowed me to sit under the preaching of that now retired pastor friend, which has given me encouragement and confirmation of the words to share with all of you.
God is good. My story is about the Lord. And as I live my life, I desire to share a message of hope because I have encountered God is ways I never dreamed were possible. Carrying the message and practicing these principles isn’t a job to do but rather a now natural way of living as I find it a privilege to live the life God has now given me. I hope that my message brings all of you hope in knowing that you too can experience freedom, joy, and peace in the Lord no matter what you may face.
In conclusion, let me share with you Philippians 1:3-11
3 I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. 6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. 7 It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. 8 For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. 9 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
This is how I feel about all those who come into the rooms of recovery. To the newcomer, I feel excitement for you as I know what freedom lies ahead. To those who are within the steps, I encourage you to persevere… it is worth it! And to us old-timers, I am grateful for your consistency and encouragement. Like Paul said in verse 6 “I AM SURE OF THIS, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
