A Recovery Story

Mark’s Story

I came to faith at a Christian camp when I was 13 years old, and my addiction to pornography began shortly after.  I found that it numbed my painful loneliness and need for intimacy.  With pornography, I could feel like I had intimacy without having to risk my heart.

But I knew that lust is wrong, so I prayed for God to take the desire away.  I had read Matthew 21:22 “And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”  I knew that wanting sexual purity was a good thing, and I believed that God could heal me.  But when God didn’t immediately do it, and I realized I am powerless over my desires, I grew angry at God.  I actually ripped that page from Matthew right out of my Bible and threw it in the trash.

And for over 20 years, I lived a divided life.  I became a master of compartmentalizing, living as a “good Christian guy” during the day and abandoning myself to lust at night.  I didn’t think that the two parts of my life interfered with each other, and to people looking in from the outside, it really seemed that way.

I eventually became numb to the addiction to lust, but I never stopped hating the part of me that lied.  I lied to my family, my Christian brothers and sisters, and others.  I lied whenever someone asked how I was doing or how I was struggling.  I experienced God’s love and grace in incredible ways, but I always held back a piece of myself from Him and everyone else.

“ I experienced God’s love and grace in incredible ways, but I always held back a piece of myself from Him and everyone else.”

But even over the years, God did not give up on me.  And I came to realize that the reason I wasn’t experiencing freedom wasn’t that God had failed me.  It was because I was not willing to do what God commanded in James 5:16, “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”  I wanted to defeat my lust in secret, just me and God.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I confessed my lies and addiction to my wife and to Orlando. When I did, Orlando was clear that he and the church were there, not to condemn me, but to lead me to the cross, where healing and freedom are found. He helped me plug into the community of Recovery at Summit.

Through Recovery at Summit, I have learned that “you’re only as sick as your secrets.”  And through regular confession and encouragement, I have lived without pornography for over three and a half years.  God has done an incredible work of healing and restoration in my life and marriage, and I am so glad that He used His people to do it.  Investing in, and receiving from, the family of God is not optional if we are to grow in sanctification.  I am deeply thankful for Recovery at Summit.