12 STEPS - Step 1

STEP 1                                                                        

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

PAUL’S POWERLESSNESS

The Bible has some great passages about our powerlessness – my favorite is Paul’s discussion in Romans 7. He says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (verse 15). This describes me very well. There are many good things I want to do – think pure and Christ-like thoughts, speak words of kindness and encouragement like Fred Rogers, and take good care of the body God gave me. But then there are the things I actually do, such as waste hours in selfish fantasy, fritter away my words with sarcastic jokes, and eat Blue Bell ice cream as a major food group. I don’t do what I want; I am excellent at doing what I hate.

POWERLESSNESS OVER LUST

I became powerless over pornography when I was about twelve years old. I had seen some racy shows on cable and been given some magazines at scout camp, but when our family got fast Internet, a whole new world of lust opened up to me, and I dove in face-first. I stumbled along in the fog of porn and fantasy for over twenty years, hating myself and my lying heart, but utterly powerless to change.

But I sure tried. I prayed. I read articles and books. I read my Bible. I kept a calendar of my moods and my binges so see if I could figure out what triggered me. I tried to better understand my brain and what would drive me to such stupid and self-destructive behavior.

I tried and tried to change myself, convinced that “me and God” could beat my “bad habit” without ever telling another soul. I wanted to take this secret struggle to my grave. I was powerless, and I might have told you with my words that I was powerless. But I did not believe it in my heart. I was convinced that I still had some kind of power.

ADMITTING IT

After I’d been married for almost 10 years, I finally came to the end of my rope. The pornography didn’t bother my conscience much anymore – I’d become numb to that. But the lying made me despise myself. I lied to everyone, all the time, about how I was and what I was feeling and how I needed help. I lied to my friends and my pastors and my wife and to myself. I tried to lie to God, but He didn’t buy it.

The end of my rope meant that I was exhausted from lying and worrying about being found out. It was such a heavy burden to be so fake so much of the time. I told my wife about my pornography and my deception, and she received me with a million times more love and grace than I deserved. So, when she asked me to do the previously unthinkable and tell others about my powerlessness, I was desperate to do anything to be free.

“YOU’RE ONLY AS SICK AS YOUR SECRETS”

Having to admit to a bunch of other people, many of them strangers, that I had problems I had no control over was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But that was the beginning of my Recovery journey back to hope and abundant life. I was powerless. My life had become unmanageable. And admitting that was the perfect place to start.