12 STEPS - Step 2

STEP 2                                                            

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

FALSE HOPE

The church and family environment I grew up in didn’t allow much space for making mistakes, and there was a great deal of shame around failure.  So, I learned very young that I could control my experience by manipulating my behavior.  If I did what was expected and never rocked the boat, I could avoid pain, punishment, and feelings of guilt.  Success became synonymous with self-reliance and independence.

Of all the mistakes to be made, sexual sin, even the appearance of it, was to be avoided most of all.  Needless to say, I was really in a pickle when my own sexual brokenness began to show up.  There was a great deal of confusion around sexuality when I was growing up, and the addition of pornography around age 13 certainly didn’t help.  I believed the unspoken lie of the enemy – if my mistakes and failures were to be known, I would be rejected by my friends and family and risk losing my salvation.

LOST HOPE

My self-reliance continued to deceive me, and I went further down a path of isolation, secrets, and loneliness.  For years I continued to try and work things out on my own, trying everything that would allow me to get clean without anyone needing to know the real details.  However, the awareness of my failure to successfully manipulate my experience kept growing.  So, left to my own thoughts and rationale for over 23 years of isolation, I “knew” for a fact that I was alone, I was different, and at the end of the day no one cared. 

TRUE HOPE

Part of doing what was expected meant reading my Bible.  So, I mechanically read the Bible as yet another way to check a box and secure my own salvation.  Even in my hopeless and distorted reading strategy, God met me there and brought me Psalm 34:4-5:

I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

The first time I read this, I remember thinking I had never read something so hopeful before – why weren’t churches reciting this verse more?!  This Psalm tells us that God is waiting, listening for us, and has the power to deliver and restore us.  Even more than just power, He has the desire as well!  John 3:17 says, “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

The false hope of self-reliance puts all the responsibility of righteousness on ourselves, something we cannot feasibly handle.  God offers us a true, lasting hope free of the fears of pain, punishment, and guilt.  May we waste no more time looking to ourselves for answers, but seek the Lord who is waiting to answer us.  He is our true hope, with power to restore us to sanity.