Gabbee's Grace Story

Before I started going to Recovery at Summit, I had no idea how to feel. I kept all my feelings inside. I waited until I was alone to breakdown because I didn’t want anyone to know what was actually going on inside. I became used to the “fake happy.” Putting on the mask of “everything is fine” because I didn’t actually know how I was feeling. 

My relationship with God seemed distant. I read the Word every day because it is what I had to do; I would read for twenty minutes a day and then move on with my daily routine. It was more of a chore than a desire. The relationship I had with God reflected the relationship I had with people; broken and not bearing fruit. 

Before I came to Recovery I had been asked “Who knows the real you?” and honestly, I could say no one. Not my parents, my teammates, or longtime friends. I was so afraid of letting them know who the real me was.
 
My first night at Recovery was filled with anxiety and fear. I didn’t want to share in the newcomers meeting. I wanted to hide and ‘be safe’ like the last twenty-two years of my life. But that wasn’t the case. I was hurting myself the last twenty-two years. Building up walls so that no one could get in, numbing the pain with self-harm, turning to alcohol to forget, and letting my heart turn to one of stone instead of flesh.

After that first night at Recovery, I knew I had to go back the next week. Did I want to? Absolutely not. I didn’t want to work on the hard stuff, the painful past that led me down the road of destruction. But my life was out of control.

Psalm 61:1-8
Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah
For you, O God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
Prolong the life of the king;
may his years endure to all generations!
May he be enthroned forever before God;
appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him!
So will I ever sing praises to your name,
as I perform my vows day after day.
 
As I meditated on Psalm 61, I continually asked myself “What am I giving myself to? How are those things keeping me away from the Lord?” 

The more and more I owned up to my mess, the more I saw healing in all aspects of my life. Some places more than others. Some friendships had to end, some had to be broken, reconciled, restored, and redeemed. And some were new friendships that had Christ as their foundation. Those were the ones that were the safest and most comforting. 

Eventually (through lots of prayer and being brought to my knees) the Lord was able to show me that I had to be transparent in this new season and walk forward. The truth had to come out and yes it was going to be painful, but I no longer had to live in that past life. All I need is the power of Jesus.

Our sin must be taken to the cross daily for freedom from guilt and condemning thoughts. But confessing them to others (James 5:16) is another way of finding relief. By no longer pretending to be what we are not, we give our friends permission to see who and what we really are. True friends who love Jesus, will gladly bear our burdens with us as we continue to seek God’s grace.

His work is not done.